At South Africa's Global Summit, deity in our midst, ruler of all things, and Lion Queen Beyoncé sang a duet with Ed Sheeran, whom you may know from every wedding reception first dance you will witness for the next 20 years. Beyoncé, as is her habit, invented fashion spontaneously with an impressive array of stunning gowns, robes, and pant suits. Ed Sheeran, meanwhile, dressed like this:
First of all, let me just preamble this by saying that anyone can wear anything they want at any time without being shamed for it by other people or glamorous, wealthy New York elite media fashionistas like myself. That said, I do feel like maybe the visual dissonance of Ed Sheeran dressing like he is running errands and Beyoncé dressing like she is running the universe is perhaps too vast? And that maybe the ensemble he chose to wear is illegal? Maybe?
I get that this is his vibe? And he was performing his own set previously? But also maybe they should put him in prison for this?
Like, Ed's whole thing is dressing like a very friendly employee at a skateboard shop. And Beyoncé's whole thing is dressing like if the concept of excellence had a thread count. So, I understand why this is happening, but... I still want to report it to the authorities?
The difference is particularly striking since she's wearing this ensemble, in which she looks like an exotic butterfly meets the letter X Muppet from Sesame Street. But fashion!
It's a lot to live up to. Not to mention they're singing the song "Perfect," in which Ed Sheeran sings to Beyoncé "I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight." And I sing, "I agree on all points."
Beyoncé is the Central Park Glamour Duck and Ed Sheeran is a, well, any other duck.
Nothing wrong with being another duck. Just saying, when you're in the presence of the Glamour Duck maybe put on a tie? Like you're meeting the Queen? Because you are? IDK IDK.
I don’t want to cause an international incident about this but I feel like the G20 should probably scrap their agenda and devote the rest of the conference to hashing out this alleged crime. This does seem to be the product of a breakdown of diplomacy. I am certain that many actual laws, both land and maritime, have been violated here so I'm not judging, I'm just trying to keep everybody out of the Hague.
Now, I know what you're thinking: who am I to judge Ed Sheeran? I dress like a depressed Little League coach going through an expensive divorce. True, but I am not standing next to Beyoncé. If I was standing next to Beyoncé, I would immediately invent time travel, go back to my birth, change literally everything about my entire life, make better choices, and buy a glamour caftan. Every time I go to see Beyoncé in concert, I run up in DSquared2 like it's Michael Cohen's office and I'm an FBI agent with a warrant, buy everything in the place with sequins, and then vow to never wear it again out of respect for Beyoncé's presence. I just feel like these are the rules? And the rules are being broken? And I want to know why?
No shade but actual shade: Ed and Beyoncé together look like roughly 75% of heterosexual couples. How many Instagram Stories must I watch where the woman is wearing a full face and dressed to the nines in high fashion and the guy is wearing a potato sack that has "Supreme" handwritten on it? While on a date at Nobu?! I can’t take it!
When I see things like that I actually wonder if they think they are dressed equivalently. The dude is like, "She looks nice and I look nice. Nice." Meanwhile, she has every continent in Africa stitched to her dress in sequins and dude is not wearing socks? Lord why?!
Like I said, anyone can wear anything they want. I'm just saying, you wouldn't run up to the Moon in shorts and a t-shirt. You'd wear a space suit. Pretend Beyoncé is also a celestial being who is in control of the tides. Because she is. And also pretend that I have a warrant for your arrest if you are in anything less than formal wear when you are in her orbit.